Week four of this new job and i just broke down bawling…didnt help that ive gone two nights with out meds now..my own fualt really but…fuck i hate this shit, hate being scared of all this fucking….just living, the fear of it…failing…every day i feel i will fail it all…
I have been diagnosed with Avoidant personality disorder, Anxiety, Social anxiety, Depression, OCD, I take alot of meds, And I havent worked since 2004 really. Its just…very difficult, and im so scared but i have to try to get a job, my family needs me too for one and the government wont say im disabled so i can help them by just getting a check and giving it to them….just…fucking sucks because i do care, they look at me like i dont, like i want to be lazy and stay home…im scared to leave the house half the time.
Im 25 years old, i get food stamps, my grandma lets me live here still.
I need to be the adult my age tells me I am, but I just dont feel it, I see me as an adult, I dont know how to be one
Having no real social life through my whole life has made it very difficult for me to interact with people, which makes me more anxious.
I take medication but since ive been taking them I dont like who i am…i have time now not to think about my fears but to focus on me and what i want or do…and im a bitch, i really can be and i hate that…i see this person i dont like but i dnot know how to change her, make her shut the fuck up when she needs to and realize she shouldnt be so selfish.
Im online all day long, most of the night, i play video games, make props, knit, make gifs, but i have no purpose…I havent had one. I love photography but i cant see how i could do that as a job
I really just want to work from home and not deal with how horrible the world is
Division of Vocational Rehabilitation has accepted me into their program to help me find a job. Now i am signed up for work shops, testing, meeting new people, working with people, I am terrified. I had to call my mom yesterday after i found out and i just cried so hard because i am so afraid of being in this school like situation again…the expectations, the people…my anxiety and panic is rising so bad lately its hard to even get up in the morning.
I have to do this though, If i dont i wont be able to be my own person one day…I HAVE to do this. Sometimes I want to do this
so that is whats going on with me lately, thats why i make posts like i do about being depressed and having anxiety and panic attacks so much lately…thought I should explain
Meagan, Maewolf, Maemaewolf
Having a hard time right now..alot of changes going to happen. Going to a workshop and then testing to see how i can handle things with work…hate beong in that situation…reminds me of school..i hated being arou.d those people i didnt know, being tested and having every what if go through my head when im taking notes let alone learning somethin…im not making great sense im just freaking out, frustrated, scared, having panic and anxiety attack since i was told today that i start to try to get help finding a job…im so scared…i bawled on the phone to my mom earlier, i just have to do this but im so depressed now that all this anxiety is here again even with meds…people cant understand this irrational fear of something that seems so simple to them….i dont know…just…i dont know
all this law shit, im freaking the fuck out, my anxiety is out of control and iw ant to hide in a hole so i will not be detained and tortured for no fucking reason…this is how my brain works, this is how my fear spreads, why the hell does the government do this to me…*head wall*
I am freaking out right now…and i dont know why..i want to cry and hide and just cry some more..im tearing up typing this , but i dont know why…i dont know why…i hate being me sometimes…fear for no reason…just…my anxiety…scares me to have it…im pretty fucked up
I dont know if i will be able to watch them, especially the last two parts…all the deaths…i couldnt even finish the 7th book…i cried so much and was so depressed after the first death…i couldnt continue…one day i want to watch the movies..but…ive only gotten to the fifth and i dont remember watching it lol just know i did. i watched 1-4 tons of times though so yeah lol like i said, i read up until about the second chapter in the 7th book, far as i got..